Thursday, October 24, 2013

Letting Go

As you all know, I've been worried about Pnut for the past 3 weeks. He just turned 10 this year, which is quite a feat actually, but that also means he'd be more prone to sickness and joint problems.

A few days after my birthday, Pnut started getting sick. Initially with fever, then his temperature dropped. He was confined and later diagnosed with liver disease. I knew from experience that liver disease is fatal, but I was hoping against hope that Pnut will get well and go back to his normal, energetic self.

I was so happy he was discharged from the clinic shortly after my birthday,
it was the best post-birthday gift EVER!
The last 3 days (October 21-23) days were critical: Pnut still had an appetite but the fluids were bloating his belly. According to the vet, his creatinine and SGPT levels are high and they have to lower significantly for his kidney to function well. Additionally, the bloating was also affecting and pressing unto the other organs. Pnut never complained nor cried out in pain, he would still greet me every morning and evening, running around even when his burgeoning tummy proved to be too heavy. He would lie down every once in a while and rest.

I was prepared to do everything to make the sickness go away, he had all the meds and an on-call vet at his disposal. Although at this point, I feel like I should have done more.

Last Tuesday (the night before Pnut passed), I was advised by the vet that his condition is viral and may infect the other dogs. Before retiring for the night, I said goodbye to Pnut while he was still in his kennel. He woke up from his slumber, looked at me, wagged his tail and crawled towards me. He usually does this when he wants to sleep in my room. I obliged. To hell with the doctor's orders, he's sleeping beside me tonight.


That night, as with every night since the diagnosis, Pnut would wake up every so often, restless and always shifting positions. I'd wake as well, gently rub his big tummy and kiss him on the head. "Everything's going to be alright, Mommy loves you," I'd whisper several times through the night. "It's okay, Pnut." I always prayed that Pnut would make it til the morning. Every day there is hope. And I'd be thankful that before I leave for work, I've given Pnut his meds.

Come Wednesday morning, I wasn't feeling too hopeful. I was exhausted as well since I was getting only about 2-3 hours of sleep per night. I cried while patting him on the head and asked my Mom, "Mom, is Pnut going to die?" At the back of my head, I was scared and I felt the end was near.

By 4:16pm, our helper called me on my mobile and said that Pnut looked like he was having a seizure. Immediately, I left the office and my sister (who was also in the Makati area) drove me home. Our helper was giving me updates every few minutes, which I appreciated but also increased my stress levels even more. I was also coordinating with the vet who was on her way from Trinoma.

By 5:00pm, while we were stuck in Nagtahan traffic, I got the news that Pnut has suffered a cardiac arrest and passed away. The vet got there in time, tried to revive him as there was still a faint heartbeat, but the disease proved to be too much for my little man. He passed away.

We arrived at 6:00pm, we were too late, and I felt so guilty because I wasn't there to comfort him during the ordeal. What if I stayed home that day, would it have made a difference? If I brought him to the animal hospital, would he have survived? Did he experience any pain at all? Could my presence have at least alleviated it? There are so many questions...

My best friend, Tony, asked me if I was able to say goodbye. I'd like to think that I did. I spoke to Pnut every night, I'd tell him it was okay and reassured him that I loved him so much and I would do anything for him. But now, I'm not so sure. My greatest regret was not being there for him when he needed me the most.

Pnut's sleeping area has now been cleaned and disinfected.
It looks so bare, it just makes me more sad :(
Most people only realize the importance of someone or something when it's gone, or about to go away. But I never felt that way. I always made Pnut feel special, he always got the best treatments, the best toys, the best clothes. While our other Chihuahuas were content with staying home, Pnut was an adventurer and he always got walks in the park, mall visits, and even went to a few Halloween parties, dressed up in the snazziest costumes. Even during my Multiply days, Pnut always had a special spot and I'd even write about him in my blogs.

And you know what, that's what hurts the most. Pnut was my best friend, he was family. I always knew he was special. You love someone so much -- from your core -- and it's still taken away from you. It's not right. It's not fair. It hurts so much.

Christmas 2011
I would like to thank everyone, friends, office mates, even readers of my blog, and Instagram followers whom I haven't personally met yet, for sending your good vibes and well-wishes. I am honestly so overwhelmed with all the support I received. Your messages helped me get through the day and through the night. I was worried sick but I was happy to read all your messages.

And thank you most especially to my sister, Tish, who was my angel yesterday. She drove as fast as she could, hoping we could reach home in time.

Pnut: May 23, 2003 - October 23, 2013

This year's greatest lesson for me was to learn to let go. But I don't think I'm ready for that just yet....I love you, Pnut. I miss you every day. Why did you have to leave me? :'(

---
Important:
This is an interesting read for senior dog pet owners regarding stomach bloating. Apparently, Pnut has been showing signs of bloat-stomach torsion years before, and we thought it was just the B-Complex deficiency in Chihuahuas. Always monitor your pet's eating habits and go to a specialist if necessary.

Click here: "Bloat: The Mother of all emergencies"

36 Comments:

  1. This made me cry Kira! I am sorry for your loss. My Chuchai (shihtzu) recently got hospitalized, twice! She had an operation 2 months ago and her vet told me that the chances of her surviving is low, but she did. During the operation, I cried like there's no tomorrow and until now, I always look at Chuchai with a fear of losing her one day. I am very attached to her and I know how much you love Pnut. I know what you are going through. Like what you told Pnut, everything is going to be okay...he is really okay now, in dog heaven, not feeling any pain, and I am sure that he will always look after you and always thankful to you for giving your best to take care of him and give him a good and happy life.

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  2. :,(


    I'm so sorry for your loss, Kira. Prayers for you and Pnut *hugs*

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  3. Every time my baby Akita (lhasa apso) would get sick or pag mukhang matamlay lang, I always kiss her and tell her not to leave me. She's my best friend. During the times I had to cry, she was there to be with me. I love my dog so much that this post affected me. While I was reading this, I was crying. Even up to now, I'm still crying.

    Hats off to you for being a loving mommy to Pnut. He felt that, for sure. Though he felt pain while he was sick, your voice comforted him. You have made everything easier for him. He may have died, but he died a happy dog. He is in a happy place now. You'll be okay, Ms. Kira. God bless you.

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  4. ~ i just died a little after reading this (i read your previous post about Pnut getting sick), and it hurts to know that he wasn't able to make it :( i could just imagine your pain, as i have gone through a lot of doggie deaths - and each time doesn't make it easier. I could not imagine how I'd handle it again, as I have 4 big dogs right now and love them to bits like you loved Pnut.

    Stay strong... and when you're ready, get a little one you can take care of again. :) I'm sure Pnut would be happy to see you take care of another one of his kind - he knows that the new one will be in very good hands :) *hugs*

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  5. Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain because that has happened to me before too. {{hugs}}

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  6. hugs KIra.. stay strong.. ramdam na ramdam ko ung sakit mo :(

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss Miss Kira.... Be strong...

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  8. Hi Joanne! Thank you and I'm glad Chuchai is okay. I am very attached to Pnut, he's always been there for me, he's seen me through 2 long term relationships, never judging, and only comforted me even on the shittiest of days. I miss him so much :(

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  9. Thanks, Krissy! I'm so sad you guys never had the chance to meet :(

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  10. Thank you so much, Michelle! I was crying while composing this, and it took me a while to finish. My best friend told me, Pnut was like the toys in "Toy Story." Andy had to give them away, but the toys were happy knowing that they were able to bring joy to their best friend while they were together. I'd like to think the same thing <3

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  11. Thank you for your message, Millicent. This was my first doggie death (he was my first dog) and I'm taking time to mourn. It will be hard to replace him, but when I find THE ONE, I'm sure it will be the spitting image of Pnut.

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  12. That's sad to hear from you sis, hindi kasi sila umaalis ng nandyan ang amo nila, masakit din sa kanila yon. Did you ever had last words for him? Talagang lifespan nila is 10-15years. And yun ung nakakalungkot talaga. I'm starting to love my dogs now, maraming dogs dito sa biyenan ko, and the oldest is turning 11 next year a Japanese Pitch dog. Actually bulag na siya, pero no sign of sickness. Yun na nga ung sinasabi nila na mas ok ng mabulag kaysa magkasakit, ganun daw talaga tumatanda na.. I also had a heart breaking story, celebration ng birthday ko, I just slept after work. Then ginising ako ng boyfriend ko na pinakatay ng nanay ko ung aso ko. I was really mad at everyone, I shouted at my mom and cried so much. Dun nagstart ung love ko lalo sa dogs. Ang nakakatuwa kasi may kanya kanya silang ugali, at nakukuha pa nila ung ugali mismo ng amo nila. Hope you can move on sis. I'm sure he's happy now. Ayaw din naman natin silang nakikitang nahihirapan. Let's just cherish the moments..

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  13. Nakakaiyak. I feel your sadness. We have 3 dogs in our house, and we see to it that we attend to their needs, kahit na mas mahal pa ang vet sa dr. ng tao. Dogs are really best friends, and loyal all the way...

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  14. i cried too when I saw your IG post. I remembered Britney, our first pet and Bogart. I know you are hurting now, but Pnut is up there in Dog Heaven, probably bullying our Britney and Bogart. :) Pnut is so lucky to have you as his friend. I'm sure he'll miss you too. hugs kira!

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  15. youch ako ms kira... i missed daf na sobra =(

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  16. Stephanie Lara CruzOctober 25, 2013 at 1:52 PM

    I cried a lot Ms. Kira reading this, I love love love our two dogs. I just pray that our dogs will go to heaven. :( pag kinuha na siya satin. :( Im sorry for your loss .

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  17. Thank you so much, Mommy Pehpot.

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  18. True, out of all the pets I've had growing up, only dogs will love you unconditionally <3

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  19. Thanks, Jheng! Thank you for all your support. I cherish all the messages you sent me in IG because it was comforting to know that Mac also had a liver problem and survived. It gave me hope that Pnut would, too.

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  20. Thank you, Stephanie. I'm feeling better, but I still cry when I remember. My room is now empty without him :(

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  21. Awww.. I'm sure Pnut is up there playing with Daf :)

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  22. Thank you, Issa.

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  23. Thank you, Jaja.

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  24. - Kira, i just saw this on a FB page (Dog Lovers) and I just remembered you :) - Mills

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  25. This made me cry so much. Rest in peace, pnut.

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  26. OMG. so true! Huhuhu. Thank you for sharing, I'll repost this on my FB wall :)

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  27. Hi Kira, you just gave me an early morning eye detox with this post. T_T


    But just like what I shared on instagram, Pnut had never left and would never do as long as you keep his memories in your heart. He never passed away. He just passed on... to some place and time where he can follow you wherever you go. :)

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  28. I am sure he had a great ten years. As you have mentioned in IG he is in doggie heaven now. You might have lost a doggie bestfriend but now you have a guardian doggie angel :)

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  29. Thank you, Vivi! I'm now thinking of Pnut as my little angel who watches over me everyday <3

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  30. I love that you said I earned a guardian doggie angel. Aww...made my heart melt and made me feel so much better! Imagining him with wings, a white robe and a golden halo <3

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  31. Reading this breaks my heart. :'( I underwent the same thing when my Winter passed away last January. I was alone when he died and it was very painful for I couldn't do anything to alleviate his pain. It was really difficult. For a week, I'd go to the office crying because of guilt and emptiness. I eventually accepted his fate. I know you will too with Pnut. You've been a loving owner and Pnut knows that. His life was well-lived. :') While I might not be able to comfort you, let me share one of the lines I wrote during my loss:


    "Everybody is born so that they can learn how to love and give devoid of conditions. Perhaps animals already know how to do that so they don't have to stay as long." http://on.fb.me/1bHGlc6

    *Hugs*, Ms. Kira.

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  32. Hi Eunice! I take comfort in the fact that many of my friends and readers relate to the pain I am feeling. I am a bit better --- I can go to work and function normally --- but there are times (like today) that I wake up crying uncontrollably. I wake up and sometimes wish that he was there beside me, I guess it hasn't fully sunk in yet..


    Hugs to you and am sending kisses to Winter. I hope he meets Pnut soon <3

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  33. haay this made me cry too.. :'(
    i have a shihtzu named Kisses.. i love her so much eventhough she's maldita.. I remember when she had a fight with her Mom Peaches and she lost an her left eye.. i was crying so much that day..i never thought that would happen.
    But now she's okay but still maldita and still fights with her mom everyday! She is still cute even with just the right eye..

    I just remembered, Cesar Millan will be in the Phils this April but the tickets are so expensive.. If I can attend (which is so not gonna happen because of the pricey ticket) I will ask him about the behavior of my kisses with her Mom..

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  34. Hi Jnnine! Good to know Kisses is okay. I still miss Pnut a whole lot, a pet loss is something that a loving pet parent will never get over :(


    I also want to watch Cesar Millan's show here but decided to forego it since the tickets were too expensive especially for the Meet & Greet.

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  35. he's a cutie.. and i love his superman outfit.. all is well. :)


    True! super expensive.. :)

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