Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Why bad guys will always get the girls

Johnny Depp as Capt. Jack Sparrow from "The Curse of the Black Pearl”
“The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what he can’t.” Saavy?

Why are women attracted to bad guys? To be honest, this kind of question is never asked by women–we know why the baddies are so attractive. It is almost always a fanboy who posts a whiney inquiry to the effect that "I’m swell, but can’t get a date because the chicks dig the bad boys. Whyizzat?" An honest answer -- "chicks avoid you because you’re an obnoxious, complaining loser" -- is never appreciated so in hopes that men everywhere may be enlightened, I present the following list of reasons of why women love villains.

1.) Villains have a personality. The charismatic baddie who does wicked deeds yet leaves ladies swooning in his wake is almost always a larger-than-life character with a strong sense of self. Compared to him, our white-hatted hero is bland, bland, bland. Villains don’t spend time trying to find themselves. They know who they are–evil. That kind of self-confidence is more of an aphrodisiac than power and money.

Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”:
“Cancel the kitchen scraps for the lepers and the orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.”

2.) Villains have high aspirations and pursue them. True, those aspirations usually involve ultimate power and world domination, but it beats eating cold pizza and watching football on the telly, night after night. Villains know what they want out of life–everything–and they pursue those dreams with vigor.

Jason Isaacs as Col. Tavington in “The Patriot”
“You know, it’s ugly business doing one’s duty… but just occasionally it’s a real pleasure.”

3.) Villains don’t let impossible odds stop them from obtaining their goals. Bad guys don’t whine about the fact that their brother got the crown instead of them and they don’t sing songs about impossible dreams. They plot, suborn, and wade through rivers of blood until they’ve won the throne for themselves. The odds, as every villain knows, are always possible–if you make enough of an effort.

Christopher Lee as Dracula demonstrating the crucial vampire skills of a) always dressing up smartly for those nocturnal feedings and b) never dropping your woman while she’s swooning.

4.) Villains let their feelings for their women be known. Black-caped, mustachio-twirling bad guys get places with the babes because they’re not afraid to risk rejection. Vampires take a chance every time they show up at some nubile female’s bedroom window. Is she going to invite him in or is she going to stake him? If you want the breaks, you gotta risk the stakes.

[Upon seeing Bugs Bunny dressed as female Tasmanian devil] “Tasmanian SHE-Devil. “[Wolf whistle.] [Aside to the audience]: “Rrrrowr.”–”Devil May Hare”

5.) Villains make their women feel special. Sure, Snidely Whiplash can–and probably has–tied plenty of maidens to the railroad tracks in his time, but it’s Pretty Nell he wants now and no one else will do. The object of a villain’s affection is never interchangeable with other women. Villains always treat their heroines as if they are one of a kind–which they are.

Geoffrey Rush as Casanova Frankenstein from “Mystery Men”. “I have created a beautiful machine that is going to encourage our fellow citizens to share my vision of the world”.

6.) Villains want to share their good fortune with the women in their lives. Be it treasure, power, or virtual immortality, villains know that good things in life are meant to be shared and who better to share those good things with than that special woman? Fear of commitment is not part of a villain’s psychological makeup. Sure, your average bloody-handed tyrant might go mad and see ghosts, but no tyrant has ever told his queen that he needs to break up with her because he needs his space.

So, lads, there it is, your very own six-step plan to world domination and a harem of your own. Oh, and buy some black clothes. It can’t hurt.



  1. Cool guide kira ^_^ way to go! This world lacks cool villains!

  2. yup! some baddies are really attractive. Well, he doesnt need to be a villain, just a man with an attitude, like robert downey jr. in Iron Man:) hahaha, and yes, I love Jack Sparrow!

  3. 7.) Villains always seem to have cooler haircuts and nicer boots! Hee!

  4. @Anna: Haha, I agree. So does this give justice to they saying "good guys always finish last"? I wonder...

  5. "They plot, suborn, and wade through rivers of blood until they’ve won the throne for themselves" -- my favorite part :D